i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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