Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
