1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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