he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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