Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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