Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
