I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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