I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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