I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Randomize
