What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
