Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
