Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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