You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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