Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Im part way to drunk.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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