When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
