i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
