foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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