So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
