There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
