Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
