Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
