You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Fuck appropriateness.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just took my morning after pill in the library
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
