just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
