Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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