Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
