Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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