is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
