matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
