Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
