my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
its liver damage thursday
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