Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
