Apparently you make a good broom.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
