Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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