Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
