Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
