So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
