I think my fart just growled at me.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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