I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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