oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
