i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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