I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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