every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
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