The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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