I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
