if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
