i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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