Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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