i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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