I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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