I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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