The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
