The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
